So you’ve done the research, you’ve compared projector vs projector, figured out your budget, taken your viewing distance measurements, you’re ready to build your new home theater. Just one more item on your checklist to start building the at home cinematic experience you’ve always dreamed of: Asking your wife’s permission to make a major purchase.
When it comes to buying a gigantic projector and screen combo, many married people have learned, their spouse can be the biggest obstacle.
A home projector screen is going to take up a lot of wall space and could require a dedicated room if you’re planning to convert a spare one into a home cinema. Even if you want to buy a retractable electric projector screen, you’ll need to arrange your space to accommodate the projector placement.
Becoming a projector and screen family is a “big” change. And not every spouse is going to be ready to rearrange their space or invest a good chunk of money into entertainment.
So how do you talk to your wife about letting you buy a giant screen for your house?
We talked to a number of therapists, councilors and relationship experts on the best way to convince your wife to let you get an expensive home theater projector. They gave us some great advice about how and when to ask, and what to do if your beloved spouse says “no.”
Good couples communication should make the emotions the focus of the discussion and not the behaviors or materials that might seem like the center of attention. For example, if you make your partner’s favorite dish, is the chicken the star or is it your loving effort to attempt to make a savory dish? The same is true with any gift. What value will the projector add to your relationship? What purpose will it serve and how can it create a greater sense of closeness? Focus on the emotion and subsequent benefits. It’s not about the projector per say. It’s about what the projector creates between the two of you.
I generally recommend that people avoid asking a question that has a wrong answer. Therefore, you should not say, “Can I have a projector?” But instead state your case. You want to authentically identify why you want the expensive projector. For example: “I’m really excited that we finally got a babysitter for date nights, and I’d rather hide out in our bedroom and feel like we’re at the movie theater. That would feel more romantic to me than going out.” Make sure you are being honest in your defense of the purchase.
Ideally, you and your spouse have already negotiated how to spend money and how you allocate your resources into his, hers and shared. But if not, approach the subject carefully. First, make an appointment to discuss it with her: "Honey, I have something I want to talk about with you. It's about a big purchase. Is now a convenient time and if not now when, hopefully today?"
Once you get to the appointment, start with giving her a compliment, ideally about something sensual or feminine: "Wow, your beauty surprises me every day."
Next, tell her what you're thinking of doing, your reasons for doing so and ask her how she feels about it: "I want to buy a big screen TV, but it's a lot of money. I think it will give us both a lot more enjoyment. How do you feel about it?"
If she says no, ask her if there's anything you can do to change her mind, or if she might consider thinking about it. Address her concerns if she has some: "I understand you don't want me to watch TV all the time. In the first month it will probably be more, but after that I think we will get used to it."
If she still says no, hold off for a moment and regroup. Is there something you know she wants that will make her feel better? Maybe purchase that first, to soften her up. You can also let her know the pricetag of not getting one: "Honey, I'm going to Paul's house to watch the game. He just got a new big screen TV." Don't say it with attitude, though! It's simply a natural consequence of not having the big screen TV in the house.
If she still says no, you may want to set a higher price tag, or you might decide it's not worth it.
It's important for the relationship that you get her buy in. If you go ahead without it, you risk her building resentment towards you and that will only get worse down the line. You're a couple—that means you make decisions together and you abide by what's best for the unit rather than simply the individual.
Julia Davis - Psychologist, Relationships Consultant | Peaches and Screams
Marriage thrives in honesty, be it emotional, financial or mental. Ask for your wife's opinion and permission before making any big financial move.
Talk to them early. Avoid having last-minute talks with your spouse about something you have wanted to purchase for a long time. Ensure it will not affect your savings or monthly budget. Savings are for use on a rainy day. High-quality projectors cost a dime, and it is only safe if you have the budget.
There is no right time to ask. However, read your partner's mood because it greatly impacts how she responds. Asking them when they are stressed increases your chances of getting a "no".
If you want to increase the chances of getting a "yes", let your partner know how the projector will add value to your life as well as their life.
Be very honest and straightforward about your intentions. Ask your wife if she is comfortable with the huge purchase and gauge to see if her response is genuine. Your wife is validated to say no. However, you can try to get her to see your point and the need for the purchase. If this fails, do not lose your cool. Maybe her response will be positive when you talk about the projector another day. It may be best to avoid buying the projector or looking at a less expensive one since it may cause issues in the marriage.
Rodney Simmons - Relationship Expert & Author | Tiny Changes Matter
If you want permission from your wife, the best way to ask is to be straight forward. Include things like why do you need it, price, installation process and most importantly how she (and you as a couple) can benefit from it.
The best time to ask is when she is in a good mood or when you are relaxed. Maybe you are traveling somewhere or you are taking her to her favorite place. Be open and serious, don't act like you want to hide something
The best way to ask is say: "Listen darling, I really need this projector for our home. I'm trying to build something that we can enjoy together as well as our kids. It's a bit pricey so I wanted to ask if that's fine with you?"
If she says no, that can be a problem. You should find a way to cooperate on this. So you can maybe try to find something cheaper and she could explore some benefits of home theaters so you can meet on the half way!
April Maccario - Relationship Expert | Ask April
Be rational and provide enough reason why you should buy it, except that you want it. Although you can say that buying it will make you happy, remember that wives are very meticulous with products that have a purpose, so you better search for the pros and have enough evidence to explain the cons and have a way to make a less deal of it. You must not only want it, but it should be functioning for its purpose and provide great benefits not only for you but also for her. Explain the details and their functionalities. Also, try to seek from her some interest in having also this kind of product.
The best time to ask about purchasing it is when you are ready to prove it as a great buy and the moment she has the time to spare to listen to your reasons. And remember that when you are asking for their permission, don't make it sound too desperate, for they might think that you will be obsessed with the product and that it will damage your schedule and take away enough time from her. Also, don't argue, just explain the details instead of pointing at her as if she is not listening.
The arrangement and agreement you have with your wife truly determine if you even need to ask for permission to buy a projector. You should ask if you and your partner share an account after being married. There are also some instances where they have a personal account where they could buy whatever they want. I believe in asking still either for permission or a mere suggestion, you still should talk to her.
Sonya Schwartz - Relationship Expert | Her Norm
Before they come up with that idea, husbands must think about the 30-rule if the projector is worth it. They have to consider the usability if the projector will benefit the whole family or if it is just for the husband's usage. Tell the wife that she will also be satisfied with the projector once it arrives, and everyone can use it.
If the wife likes some negotiation and she wants something in return for that request, you don't have a choice, and you must do what the agreement says so you can get the projector..
The best time to ask is when the wife asks you what you want. You can also do that during special occasions when having an opportunity to give and get presents. Ensure that your wife is in a good mood and she has the budget to treat you to something.
You need to ask for permission from your wife, so she won't be surprised if the item arrives.
After a discussion and convincing your wife but still insisting on not getting the projector and you want to buy it, use your money and prepare for the consequences.
Couples may have misunderstandings, but it will not last, especially if the wife enjoys the projector too.
Liam Barneet - Relationship Coach | Dating Zest
This should be an open discussion where you both express your concerns, needs, and wants rather than a request for permission.
Depending on your financial situation and the way you handle it both as a couple and as individuals, when it comes to financial decisions it’s usually a good idea to have a talk about it. See what your partner thinks, how they view this item, and how reasonable or acceptable is their opinion of it.
The best time to have such a conversation would be when you’re both calm and joyful. Preferably when you’ve got nothing else going on at the moment and when you’ve got privacy (not in front of other people or while having an event going on).
The ideal way to address it would be by saying something similar to “I’ve been thinking that it’s a good idea to get a home theater projector.. It’d be nice to have a space where we’d spend entertaining time together. What do you think?”
This is a transparent and straightforward approach rather than an “I made up my mind, and your opinion doesn’t matter.” approach.
If she says no, you can tell her how much it would mean to you and perhaps mention some of the positive sides of getting that projector and screen. If the no feels categorical, you can let it be that way for a while, let her think about it, and perhaps bring it up after some time has passed.
I'm not a therapist, relationship expert or psychologist, but I'm a tech geek and I often have those kinds of conversations with my wife.
No. 1 tip I recommend:
Your wife need to know about your hobbies and the things you like. For instance, most women like nails, makeup, purses, etc. You should be aware of it, and not fuss when she want something, that way they're less likely to fight around your favorite things. For instance, I'm an extreme fan of PCs, and my wife knows that. At first, she was complaining about the costs, but now she even bought me a new keyboard for our anniversary. It just take some time for both of you to adapt and learn what the partner loves.
What is the best time to ask?
In my opinion, the best time to ask is before Black Friday, your birthday, and Christmas.
What is the best way to ask?
I think that the best way to ask is to explain her the value you'll get with a screen projector. Most women like watching movies with husbands, and that's the approach you should take. For instance: "If we buy this projector, even though it's expensive, we'll be able to have a fantastic movie environment and have time for ourselves to enjoy weekend nights.". That's how I would ask it.
Do you even need to ask for permission?
Well, It's always great to be in a relationship in which you don't need to ask permission for such things. However, it's always good to let them know about your wishes, and also find out their opinion about it. The biggest reason for "permissions" is usually your household budget. IF you're tight on it but still want expensive screen projectors, you (As a family) will have to cut on some things, and your wife need to know about it so that she can participate as well.
What if she says "no", but you really want to buy it?
Then you might want to change your tone to something like: "Yes I understand you don't want it, but I never interfere with your choices. I really like this screen projector and that would make me extremely happy if you let me buy it.". Promising something in return is also a great choice - take her on a dinner, picnic, or whatever she likes doing (together with you).
Sam Holmes - Editor-in-Chief | Feel and Thrive
When your wife is in a good mood, she’s more likely to be more accommodating to your cause. So, you’ll want to take control of the situation and do everything you know works to get her feeling great in the days or weeks leading up to ‘the big ask’. Subtlety is key, you don’t want it to be too obvious as she might suspect something is up.
What is the best way to ask?
It’s a big buy, so framing it as being beneficial to your relationship and family life as a whole would be a great way to get her on board. Date nights, movie nights with the kids or friends or loved ones etc are all selling points that you could leverage to get her as excited about it as you are.
Do you even need to ask for permission?
Yes, and don’t see it as asking for permission. Look at it as protecting your marriage. Making secret purchases when you’re married is a form of financial infidelity. This is just as damaging as cheating and will erode your trust foundation, breed resentment, and cause tension in your relationship.
What if she says "no", but you really want to buy a projector?
Negotiation and compromise should be your go-to's. Why is she saying no? Is it because it doesn't fit into your budget? If it does, swap out something else like a subscription you hardly use to make it work. If she feels like you’re being selfish, wanting something so costly for yourself, come to a win-win arrangement by letting her purchase something she wants too.
Reasons to give your wife to let you get a projector
- We can watch movies together
- Date nights will be even easier
- Save money going out to the movies
- Epic family movie nights
- No annoying talkers during the movies
- We can pause the movies for bathroom breaks
- I’ll let you decorate the home theater room
- You can go on a shopping spree in return for letting me get a projector
- We can have friends over more often to watch sporting events and movies
- It will help the kids make friends
- Kids will leave us alone, so we have more time to ourselves ;)
- Screen can retract and be out of sight when not in use so that her beautiful artwork or family pictures can be on display
- Our neighbors will be jealous
- Watching 90 Day Fiancé on a regular size TV is for suckers
- It will add resale value to the house
- It will make me happy
- It will make us happier